I have suffered much, Andrea, I have borne much; but the thought of
having to struggle with you, to defend myself against you, fills me with
a nameless terror. You do not know at the cost of what sacrifices I have
at last gained peace of heart; you do not know what lofty and cherished
ideals I have been obliged to bid farewell to--poor ideals! I am a
changed woman because I could not help it; I have had to place myself on
a lower level.'
There was a note of grave, sweet sadness in her voice.
'In those first days after I met you, I abandoned myself to the alluring
sweetness, let myself drift with eyes closed to the distant peril. I
thought--he shall never know anything from me, I shall never know
anything from him. I had nothing to regret and therefore I felt no fear.
But you spoke--you said things to me that no one had ever said before,
and then you forced my avowal from me. The danger suddenly appeared
before me, unmistakable, imminent. And then I abandoned myself to a
fresh dream. Your mental distress touched me to the heart, caused me
profound pain. "Impurity has sullied his soul," I thought to myself.
"Oh, that I had the power to purify it again! What happiness to offer
myself up as a sacrifice for his regeneration!" Your unhappiness
attracted mine. I thought I might scarcely be able to console you, but I
hoped at least you might find relief in having another soul to answer
eternally _Amen_ to all your plaints.
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