The others,
including Delfina, will come in the mail-coach.
'What a strange state of mind I am in this evening! I feel a kind of
dull and angry bitterness at the bottom of my heart, without knowing
why--am impatient with myself, my life, the whole world--my nervous
irritation rises, at times, to such a pitch, that I am seized with an
insane desire to scream aloud, to dig my nails into my flesh, to bruise
my fingers against the wall--any physical suffering would be better than
this intolerable mental discomfort, this unbearable wretchedness. I feel
as if I had a burning knot in my bosom, that my throat were closed by a
sob I dared not give vent to--I am icy cold and burning hot by turns
and, from time to time, a sudden pang darts through me, an irrational
terror that I can neither shake off nor control. Thoughts and images
flash suddenly across my brain, coming from I know not what ignoble
depths of my soul.
'_October 3rd._--How weak and miserable is the human soul, how utterly
defenceless against the attacks of all that is least noble and least
pure in us, and that slumbers in the obscurity of our unconscious life,
in those unexplored abysses where dark dreams are born of hidden
sensations!
'A dream can poison a whole soul, a single involuntary thought is
sufficient to corrupt and break down the force of will.
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