I let
things drift without thinking of the future, when one night
after the performance--I was lying on the sofa and A. was sitting
at my side, as usual--I suddenly thought, with the brutality that
characterized me in these matters--"I will ask her to let me
sleep with her." I still fought against any premonitory thought
of self-abuse, but here, I thought to myself, is a chance of
something better that will do me no harm and perhaps good. When
she understood me she turned very red and walked away, shaking
her head. But I let her understand that was the only way of
retaining me, and finally, when they had all gone to bed, she
gave herself to me, reluctantly and sadly; for she, too, had been
drifting on without thinking of anything of this sort (she hated
it at this time), but just living for her love of me, her first
true love.
Before this occurred, I must tell you, I had been so much better
that I sometimes felt capable of doing anything, a sense of power
and grasp of intellect which was combined with delicacy of
feeling and sensitiveness to beauty, to skies and clouds and
flowers. I seemed to be awakening to true manhood, to my true
self.
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