For two summers I had nights of tossing on my bed (although I
almost never was sleepless for any cause) when I would see his
dear face and form, in and out of the swimming pool, or engaged
perhaps in singing or in showing his beautiful teeth. I seldom
was smitten with little girls, and I found myself embarrassed in
their company after my ninth year; yet I thought well enough of
their looks and ways to enjoy their company at dances. The girls
liked me in a platonic way, for I was accounted a good, big,
kind, blundering boy with a helping hand for the smallest fry.
During the summer after I was 13, I imagined myself in the early
morning, when I was half awake, as persuading my wife to have
coitus with me. In the course of my spoken words I kept my hand
under my scrotum.
A plump girl-cousin of my own age was visiting at my uncle's
during the summer after I was 13. With her I greatly desired to
satisfy myself, but I could not be sure that my boy cousin (5
years old) might not find us out, even though she should consent.
Once when we three were in the hay-loft a wave of lust rolled
over me, but I made no proposal. Night and gaslight greatly
increased my _libido_.
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