A
complete analysis of these experiences is, of course, impossible,
but the various pleasurable feelings of which converts spoke in
the revivals which I attended were a closed book to me. Following
my revival-meeting experiences came a few days spent in a sort of
moral exaltation during which I eschewed all my habits of which
conventional morality disapproved, save masturbation, and felt no
small satisfaction with my moral conditions. I became a
first-rate Pharisee. Toward the women who had figured in my day
dreams I suddenly conceived the chastest affection, resolutely
smothering every sensual thought and fancy when thinking of them,
and putting in place of these elements ideal love,
self-sacrifice, knightly devotion--Sunday-school Garden-of-Eden
pictures with a mediaeval, romantic coloring. These day-dreams
were always sexual, involving situations of extreme complexity
and monumental silliness. Masturbation was always continued and
usually with increased frequency. The end of these periods was
always abrupt and much like awaking from a dream in which the
dreamer has been behaving in a manner to arouse his own disgust.
They were followed by feelings of sheepishness and self-contempt
mingled with anger and a dislike of all things having to do with
religion.
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