This group of thoughts shows a wonderful mixture
of warm sensuality and ideal love, it unites my lowest and
highest impulses, the strength and the weakness of my nature, my
curse and my blessing. My inclination is especially towards boys
of the age of 12 to 15; though they may be rather younger or
older. That I should prefer beautiful and intelligent boys is
comprehensible. I do not want a prostitute, but a friend or a
son, whose soul I love, whom I can help to become a more perfect
man, such as I myself would willingly be.
"When I myself belonged to that happy age (i.e., below 15) I had
no dearer wish than to possess a friend of similar tastes. I have
sought, hoped, waited, grieved, and been at last disillusioned,
overcome by desire and despair, and have not found that friend.
Even later the hope often reappeared, but always in vain, and I
cannot boast of that sure recognition which one reads of in the
autobiographies of Urnings. I do not know personally a single
fellow-sufferer. It is also doubtful whether such an
acquaintanceship would greatly help me, for I have a very
peculiar conception of homosexuality. As you will see, I have
little more in common with what are called paederasts than sexual
indifference to the female sex, and I often ask myself: 'Does any
other man in the whole world feel like you? Are you alone in the
earth with your morbid desires? Are you a pariah of pariahs, or
is there, perhaps, another soul with similar longings living near
you? How often in summer have I gone to the lakes and streams
outside cities to seek boys bathing; but I always came back
unsatisfied, whether I found any or not.
Pages:
128
129
130
131
132
133
134
135
136
137
138
139
140
141
142
143
144
145
146
147
148
149
150
151
152