I should never dare to make an advance,
however.
"I am restrained by moral and religious considerations from
making my real feelings known, and I feel I should sink in my own
estimation if I gave way, though my natural desire is to do so.
In the face of opportunities (not I mean of _paedicatio_, but of
expression of excessive affection, etc.), or what might be such,
I always fail to speak lest I should forfeit the esteem of the
other person. I have a feeling of surprise when any one I like
evinces a liking for me. I feel that those I love are
immeasurably my superiors, though my reason may tell me it is not
so. I would grovel at their feet, do anything to win a smile from
them, or to make them give me their company.
"Ordinary bodily contact with the boy I love gives me most
exquisite pleasure, and I never lose an opportunity of bringing
such contact about when it can be done naturally. I feel an
immense desire to embrace, kiss, squeeze, etc., the person, to
generally maul him, and say nice things--the kind of things a man
usually says to a woman. A handshake, the mere presence of the
person, makes me happy and content.
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